In Control: Using Positive Discipline Effectively
Next to love, the most important thing parents do to promote their child’s sense of security and self esteem is discipline. And while there are many styles of discipline, not all are intended to develop self control. For example, authoritarian approaches focus on promoting obedience through strict, inflexible limits enforced with punishment. Unfortunately, the child learns to behave to avoid punishment rather than consciously making a good choice. Consequently, children raised by “authoritarian parents” may be obedient, but only when the parent is around.
The alternative to this style of parenting is positive discipline. This approach is intended to nurture self control and conscious thought about making good choices. It is based on the idea that discipline is teaching, not punishment. Positive discipline is a customized approach. It requires that parents understand their child’s temperament. This means parents must identify the triggers that set the child off along with the things that help the child manage emotions. Such awareness helps the caregivers and child to anticipate rough spots as well as management approaches.
Modifying the environment to promote a child’s best behavior is an element of positive discipline. Many young children have trouble with transitions (moving from one activity or place to another). A reasonable strategy is to give such a child a “five minute” warning prior to a change. This eases the abruptness of changes from one activity to another and gives the child a sense of control. These children (as well as most) also need a structured, predictable environment with clear limits on behavior and few surprises. Limits are maintained in a positive rather than a negative way that provides information rather than just prohibitions. Instead of saying “no running”, a parent may say “walk”. Instead of saying “don’t hit the cat” a caregiver can demonstrate how the child can play with the cat. Redirection or giving the child an acceptable thing to do in place of the prohibited action is an important part of discipline that is intended to teach self control. When the child uses words or demonstrates self control reward this with specific praise. Children learn much more about good behavior via rewards than punishments. In addition, it is essential that children begin to understand emotions and ways of managing their feelings.
The first step to developing self control is for the child to understand emotions. Parents can build their child’s emotional vocabulary by naming emotions when the child is experiencing them. The parent may say: “you look sad today.” Puppet play and activities such as singing “If your happy and you know it” and reading children’s books on feelings (see list below) can also help children learn about naming feelings and acceptable ways of expressing them. Then parents begin the process of closely observing their child and intervening to teach actively and not punish automatically. Parents may say: “I know you were angry but you may not throw blocks. Next time tell me you’re mad.” This is the golden opportunity for parents to teach self control and good behavior.
Parents must also model self control. Parents who yell and hit and have meltdowns of their own when upset, cannot expect to raise children with self control. Positive discipline is more labor intensive than the authoritarian approach. But it is a good investment of time and effort. A child who begins life with basic self control skills is one who will be successful in school, relationships and making good decisions long after they have left home.
Five strategies for using positive discipline:
Predict trouble spots or triggers for bad behavior. Limit situations that are impossible for your child to cope with.
Organize the environment to help your child cope with challenges. Baby-proof your home, maintain a routine, make limits clear, and be consistent.
Actively help your child manage his or her behavior. For young children, words alone are not enough—active redirection is necessary. Remember to advance the child’s emotional vocabulary.
Focus on rewards more than punishments. Children learn more from being praised than being punished. Use negative consequences as a last, rather than first resort.
Model self-control… Easier said than done. But in order to bring calm, you must possess calm. Practice self-care; tag team with your co-parent (or support person). Be kind to yourself. Parenting is not easy!
For additional reading on this topic, check out:
The Explosive Child, by Ross W. Green (Harper Collins, 2001)
Kids, Parents and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (Harper Collins, 2000)
Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (Harper Collins, 1991)
Raising a Thinking Child, by Myrna Shure (Pocket Books, 1994)
You do not have to go it alone! I have been helping parents and children with discipline for over 30 years. Check out my website for more book ideas for parents- and for parents and children to read together. My website also presents my contact information. Call 504 581-3933 for more information.- Dr. Pat