Kids Who Want To Stay Kids…Forever
“Come with me where you’ll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again” J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan.
For most kids, childhood is a wonderful thing. You’re loved, cared for, played with. Not much is expected of you; life is safe and predictable. So, what’s the deal with big girl this, big boy that? Some children respond positively to this push forward while others, perhaps wisely, resist- some with a vengeance.
The notion of a carefree childhood is historically new. Before the mid-twentieth century, children were not allowed to be idle or childlike for very long. They were needed for housework, as farmhands and factory workers. Unless they were from a wealthy family, children had to work as soon as they could to sustain their families and themselves. In those days children had many things to dread. They were exposed to great risk including accidents, extreme weather, and disease. They witnessed things they were not emotionally ready for. Frequently children endured trauma and various forms of abuse. As the economy boomed in the last century machines and automation advanced. Human labor was less necessary and more time was available for “leisure pursuits” including play and education. For a brief period, children were allowed to be childlike and innocent but this again seems to be in flux.
In the mid-1980s David Elkind published his classic book The Hurried Child: Growing up too fast too soon. This seminal work highlighted a swing of the pendulum away from allowing children time to be young back to unrealistic expectations and a hastening of the developmental process. Today’s hurrying has nothing to do with sustaining survival by putting children to work. It is more about setting children off on a trajectory of competition and excellence. Some parents regard their children as shining stars that validate their own accomplishments and ambition; others have misinterpreted research on infant brain potential. Starting in infancy such parents brag about how young Baby was when he slept through the night, pooped on the toilet, and began to read. There are flashcards, Baby Einstein videos, “Your Baby Can Read” programs. Tiger Moms jockey to get their children into the best schools or music programs; they hunt for superior coaches and tutors to ensure their child’s position of greatness in all things. Even the pushiest of parents believe (or at least rationalize) that they are doing the right thing. But what is the effect on children?
Resilient children can cope with a higher-demand environment and occasional failure or frustration. Driven, high-energy children crave activity and stimulation. But what about sensitive, slow-to-warm-up, or anxious children? Then there is the child who appears to be resilient or driven but is only looking for approval. These are the ones who struggle. They may put their foot down and refuse to be a big girl or boy because things are moving too fast. They show no interest in “big girl panties”; a pull-up is fine forever! They resist showing what they know on standardized tests intended to get them into a good preschool program. And they struggle at nursery or preschool because they are simply not ready to be away from Mommy or Daddy. Some will state quite eloquently that they won’t grow up- never, never! This may be a signal to parents to slow down.
Childhood is a privilege to be enjoyed and not pushed through hastily. Of course, parents want to enrich their child’s development and it is important not to “baby” children beyond what is appropriate. However, expectations should be carefully informed by the child’s unique temperament. And even the resilient, apparently driven child needs to be reminded now and again that he is only a child and that’s all he is expected to be right now.