Moving from Now to Next: Helping Kids Make Smooth Transitions
Our days are made up of transitions from one activity to the next. Most children and adults ride the daily waves of shifts, adjustments, and changes smoothly. But for some kids, moving from “now to next” can be jarring and stressful, especially for children with anxiety, ADHD, or autism (or all of these). Shifting from home to school and school to home can be particularly hard. Some parents report that the journey home from school is the rockiest part of the day. Small disappointments like the wrong snack or no snack or a different route home can ignite intense tantrums, seat kicking, and projectiles from the back of the car. In most cases, I believe the stress is related to the temporary dysregulation that happens when we make a shift from doing one thing to doing the next thing. Others struggle with shifts due to executive function problems. Our executive function includes planning, shifting thought, and attention, organization, and self-control (among other things). Executive function problems are associated with ADHD, anxiety, and autism.
There are many ways parents can support children to make smoother transitions. However, the first task is to be patient and calm. It is legitimately harder for some people to stop doing one thing and start doing something else. This is especially true if the shift involves moving away from a satisfying place or activity. Accept that your child is struggling and let him know you understand. This is called validation. Say something like “I know change is hard for you. Can you tell me what you’re thinking or feeling about it?” It helps to give the child a chance to stop and think. Make sure to model “feelings words” on a regular basis to build the child’s emotional vocabulary.
In addition to talking about feelings and modeling calmness, spend time discussing the daily routine. Build in snuggle time and talks about the daily routine. For some kids a visual schedule of the day is helpful. This can be referred to frequently to help the child understand the sequence of events. During the morning and evenings at home, it is important for parents to be tuned in and not distracted. Remember you are directing the show. The director of a play would not stand on the sidelines and check emails- be present! Praise the child for following the routine; actively encourage cooperation and success. Another helpful strategy is to keep the mood upbeat. Make up a song as a cue to what is happening “now and next.”
Visual timers that define how long an event will last can also be settling. Don’t forget the verbal countdown to remind the child that the clock is ticking. For example, start the countdown about five minutes before leaving the park. Then every two minutes remind her that you will be leaving soon. Then leave as planned! In order for the timer to be helpful, it has to be obeyed. Remember to use validation if there is fussing when it is time to depart.
Consistency of daily schedules and routines are the keys to smoother transitions, but things come up. If there is going to be an unexpected change in routine or schedule, make sure to let the child know. Validate the child’s concerns or distress about such adjustments. Remind him or her that this is an opportunity to practice brave and flexible thinking. Telling your child about unexpected events increases trust and reduces anxiety. Highly anxious children may need to practice skills like self-talk (I can handle this), breathing, or other tools to cope.
Remember that difficulty with transitions is not defiance. It is anxiety and discomfort (and for some, it is emotional dysregulation). Parents are most helpful when they can be consistent, calm, and supportive with their children. Avoid punishments, but do provide rewards (constructive bribery) for brave thinking and coping skills. With practice, transitions can become more manageable.