The Magic of Moderation: How Not to “Spoil” Your Child

The Magic of Moderation: How not to “spoil” your child

      We all know one. We’ve seen him or her screaming for stuff at the mall, thanklessly ripping open presents, using rude language; the kid we call spoiled. While most parents would choose not to raise such a child, this behavior is celebrated in our “more is always better” culture. (From pillows to t-shirts, look at all of the ways the “princess” mentality is marketed.)

      In our affluent society, most parents can give their children what they need but many parents also choose to give their children much, much more. It gives parents pleasure to indulge their children, but what is the cost, not monetarily but developmentally, to the child? How can parents draw the line between abundance and excess?

      First, it is important for parents, grandparents and all others who shower children with praise and things to recognize the down side of “too much.” When young children have too many things, they are less likely to learn to care for their property or to be thankful. They can also become disorganized and inattentive in their play. When parents ask me about increasing their child’s attention span, one of the things I recommend is to limit toys to about four or five available items at a time. These are preferably toys that the child can act upon creatively. Young children are more interested in interactive and motor activities than things anyway (climbing, hide and seek, follow the leader).

      Have aunts, grandparents, and other over-indulgers spend time with the child rather than spend money on stuff. It is also possible to overdo praise. When a child does something well, this should be acknowledged in a specific way as a means of establishing a habit. Once the behavior has been learned, children do not need to be praised for doing the things that are their responsibility. Life is not a little league game where every play is cheered.

      Next, limits are in a child’s best interest. Children need limits to feel secure and learn to develop self control. In fact, limits are the most important way for children to feel cared for and secure. Limits are also the foundation of good behavior. Finally, a child learns to be respectful (of herself and others) from observing her parents. This means parents should respect themselves and expect to be treated well by their children.

      At the beginning of a flight, the attendant advises parents traveling with small children to place the oxygen mask on themselves before they administer it to their child. This is a great analogy for the importance of self care for parents. Parents who neglect their own emotional, physical, and spiritual needs not only run the risk of depleting their fuel source, but also send a negative message about self respect to their children. Sure, it takes time for children to learn to behave well (and they will test the limits). But through consistent, positive discipline children can learn to behave well, if parents stick to it.

      So the message is this:  to avoid “spoiling,” parents must recognize that it is not vital for their child to have everything they want or to teach the child that he is more remarkable than anyone else. Children need to have their basic needs met, to spend quality time with those who love them, and to learn to respect themselves. And they deserve the great gift of learning to regard others with respect.