Who’s the boss? Children do best when we’re in charge; it’s time to take back the reins
Parenting trends reflect changes in social mores. Today’s culture of informality and democratic values can be observed in the way many parents behave and expect to be regarded by their children. This change happened rapidly. Parents with whom I work would never have dreamt of smart-mouthing their own parents or expecting their needs to supersede parental needs or desires. This is not the case in today’s families, where often the children come first and sometimes seem to be in charge.
While on first blush, “kids first” may seem like a great advantage for today’s children, I would disagree. It is daunting to “be in charge” at any age. It’s even more anxiety provoking when you are a kid in charge of the grown-ups (who are supposed to be smarter and stronger than you). Most kids want to be second banana—even if they act like they want to be boss.
Beyond the cultural zeitgeist of informality and permissiveness, I wonder why so many parents have moved over to the passenger seat in one generation’s time. Have the “experts” confused parents with conflicting information? Or do parents lack confidence in their abilities? Maybe the mantle of being “the man” is too repugnant for some parents to claim. Or are parents so tired of being in charge all day at work that they choose not assert themselves at home? I don’t have the insight to answer this. But I do see many highly educated, well-raised, well-meaning parents who go the way of wimpy when it comes to their children; and yes I’m talking about very, very young tots—some still sporting diapers.
To see examples of older children running rampant, you need look no further than their interactions with their parents—sprawling over them and constantly interrupting. In many cases the children are well behaved at school where limits are consistent and the authority of teachers is clear and enforced. But their behavior at home is another matter.
When limits are unclear, parents report oppositional and defiant behavior, limit testing and moody ups and downs. The moodiness of their children may be due to the insecurity of having too much of a powerful position at home.
Parents can be authoritative without screaming, belittling or threatening. And remember, being the authority does not mean withdrawing tenderness, affection, and fairness.
The following practices may help parents to assert their authority.
· First, feel justified in being the boss and state this to your children: “Yes… I am the boss of you.” It is okay for your child to be a little intimidated by you.
· Practice “the look.” Adopt a stance that makes you look in charge (think Mount Rushmore).
· Tell, don’t ask, when delivering a directive. Use an authoritative tone rather than the sing song. “The look” may be helpful here if the child ignores you.
· Claim the seat at the head of the dinner table or the best chair in the den and do not let Junior sit there.
· While children should have a say in things, they do not get to choose what they can choose—Mom and Dad do. Let the child know what she gets to control and what adults will control, and then stick to this and limit negotiation.
· Set limits on personal space and property. Children have no right to hang on, paw at, or poke their parent. They have no right to dig in their mother’s purse without asking. To allow these invasions provides a flimsy limit on authority.
· Finally, parents should put themselves first sometimes when it comes to vacations, weekend activities, and allocation of funds.
It is a gift to teach children to honor others, especially those they love. This practice teaches respect, cooperation, and reduces childhood stress in the process. Your reward is a comfortable chair in the family room and your deserved position as the boss.
Author’s Note: for further information on the differences between authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative parenting, do a web search for the work of Diana Baumrind.