The Discipline Tool Kit
When I think of a parent's discipline tool kit, I regard punishment (spanking, time out, loss of privileges) as the hammer. Although a hammer may be useful, a structure will not be built with it alone. In fact, pounding on a structure will weaken it. The same goes for child-rearing. The following are tools parents need to build an emotionally robust child.
Recognize the child - understand her temperament. Learn to predict problems and identify triggers. Adjust your expectations to match his temperament, but set reasonable limits.
Regard the child; accept his temperament. Avoid negative labels. Tell him his behavior is terrible, but he is good.
Respond rather than react - This means conscious parenting with a focus on teaching, not punishing.
Remediate - Teach self-control (how to express big feelings acceptably). Use your knowledge of your child’s temperament to guide teaching.
Reveal what you know about the child to the child. Talk to him about his triggers and what he needs to calm down (create a comfort cave that he can retreat to if he becomes overstimulated).
Redirect - A toddler’s brain tells her to “climb, poke, run, and test limits." This is her nature. Your job is to teach her to manage her nature. So show her what TO rather than what not to do with her energy. Young children need help to redirect their energy; words alone are insufficient. Intervene early if the child is beginning to lose it and refocus her on something else.
Reorganize the environment to prevent bad behavior and promote better behavior. Put the crystal away and avoid fancy restaurants or birthday parties if this is a problem. He will have time to learn to manage these situations. Focus on making good behavior his habit.
Rephrase - Be positive but firm. Reduce the use of words such as “no, don’t, stop." Tell the child what she can do- not just what she cannot do. (When she runs say "walk" rather than "stop that.") Give clear commands. Use eye contact. Also, avoid asking your child to do things- tell her.
Rewards are the key to changing behavior- Ignore some shenanigans. Catch the child behaving well and tell her why you like her choices. Rewards are best when they are immediate.
Repeat until it works. In the brain, learning is represented by two nerve cells making a connection. This connection is flimsy at first and becomes more durable with repetition. For knowledge to be established, the lesson must be repeated several times.
Relax - Remember to bring calm, you must possess calm. It is up to you to model self-control.
Reflect - What kind of parent do you want to be? How has your experience of being parented impacted your own parenting behavior? What do you want to repeat as a parent, and what do you want to do differently than your parents did?
So, now you are equipped with some handy tools. Note that punishment is not in the kit. However, occasionally it makes sense for a child to pay the price for misbehavior. Reach for this tool last; after the above have failed. Mistakes will be made by you and your child. Be patient and work toward progress, not perfection. Remember, good parenting is a skill. It takes practice and determination to use the tools well.