The Four R’s of Parenting: What children need to thrive
Tremendous variability exists among children reflecting their strengths, challenges, and environment. While kids do not need wealth or perfection in their world to develop to their fullest potential, some elements are necessary for optimal development. I call these elements the Four R’s of parenting, and they are the cornerstone of my work with families. The following are the essential ingredients of an environment that nurtures emotional development.
Relationships - Children are nurtured physically, emotionally, and intellectually via the secure attachment they form with their parent (who need not be biologically related to the child). The absence of a healthy relationship is emotionally devastating to an infant or toddler. Emotionally neglected infants may even fail to thrive without touch and bonding. As children grow, their motivation to behave well comes from their desire to please the adult they have boded with. The emotional strength that comes from this bond helps children develop coping (and self-control) and is the blueprint for social development. Consequently, parents must carve out time each day to be completely “present” with their child. It is the consistency of this together time, along with parental sensitivity to a child’s needs that define a quality relationship between parent and child.
Routines - In the first three years of life, the brain is developing at a pace that will not be equaled throughout the lifespan. Brain development unfolds in a pattern and order predicted by nature (genetics). However, the environment dictates whether the child develops to her fullest potential. Certain aspects of brain development are very experience-specific. Routines and predictability help the brain develop the way nature intended. Without regularity, the child is stressed. Coping with this stress requires energy that could be allocated to brain development. For instance, stress hormones confuse the brain at a time when it is supposed to be organizing. Infants raised in extremely stressful and chaotic environments have brains that are wired differently than children in safe, predictable ones. Predictable limits on behavior, a regular schedule for meals, and sleep, along with regularly scheduled parent-child playtimes, are all examples of routines. When children are verbal, parents should periodically discuss their daily routines and rules. Preverbal children are helped with pictures or signs that help them understand. Routines are emotionally settling to a child and are the foundation of self-control.
Reliable Caregiving - This refers to all of the things parents provide for the physical/educational well being of the child (including medical care, childcare/education, dental care, mental health care, shelter, and nutrition). Neglect is defined as depriving a child of needed services that are reasonably available to the family. Remember, perfection is not necessary. However, quality community resources for children are a good investment in the future of the community.
Regulation - This refers to positive discipline that leads to self-control or "self-regulation". At its essence, discipline is teaching children self-esteem and self-control. Positive discipline can be regarded as a tool kit that includes many teaching tools. One of these tools may be punishment; however, as any carpenter knows, it takes more than one instrument to build a solid structure. If a parent just "hammers" away with threats and punishment, the child, just like a structure, will fall apart. Positive discipline includes understanding the child's behavior and teaching skills that help the child manage his or her behavior.